How to Fight Fair? Constructive Conflict in Marriages

Humans are wired weirdly.

We commonly succumb to the simplest conflicts, crumbling before them and perceiving them as dangerous. This may be because of our top-notch survival instincts, but our behaviors typically go haywire in the face of conflicts, and we have trouble working through them adeptly. As fight or flight is our natural coping mechanism, it’s easy for us to either escape or retaliate.

While these responses can be natural, they aren’t beneficial. Instead, we, imperfect creatures surrounded by conflicts, should learn about constructive conflict.

Relationships Are Full of Love… And Conflict?

No matter how compatible they are, couples will still encounter conflicts and arguments. Whether these are petty squabbles or serious quarrels, disagreement is natural in every relationship. They come and go, and it’s every couple’s responsibility to arrive at a healthy middle ground.

As the union of two highly different characters, relationships are expected to contain friction and dissimilarity. But they must do so gently and constructively.

Conflict may be expected, even beneficial, in relationships.

But this doesn’t mean it can be aggressive.

To add value to a union, a disagreement should be constructive conflict. It should make couples talk about the issue rather than blindly sweep matters under the rug. Couples can experience different types of conflict. However, they should steer their conflicts towards a more constructive structure to experience growth and improvement.

Such a matter becomes even more crucial in marriages.

Authors and long-term couple Angelo and TJ Haygood discuss this matter in their book How to Build a Successful Marriage. They highlighted how conflict may be uncomfortable, but this shouldn’t be damaging. While conflicts are fights, they shouldn’t hurt or break down a relationship. Instead, these should build and strengthen the connection. Resolutions serve as blocks connecting spaces where the couple didn’t meet.

What Is Constructive Conflict in a Relationship?

Conflicts exist. However, not every couple can find proper resolutions, especially when the fight has overwhelmed the relationship. To avoid reaching this point, couples should steer themselves toward constructive conflict.

Conflicts take different forms depending on how couples approach and handle them. The most common forms are constructive conflicts and destructive conflicts.

Destructive conflict occurs when people deflect arguments, thinking they’re better off with them unaddressed. But this approach only builds up things or resentment until both sides explode and the problem becomes unresolved. Conflicts like this happen because couples are too scared to rock the boat or they’re simply confused about how to communicate the situation.

On the other hand, constructive conflict happens when both sides want a resolution. They want to listen and be heard, speaking their thoughts vulnerably with one another. When it’s agreed that all couples fight, it should be recognized that finding a healthy method of resolution is vital in relationships. Constructive conflict aims to address desires while maintaining the connection.

Conflicts become helpful when both sides learn how to be open with each other and talk through issues without cultivating resentment in each other.

How to Handle Conflicts Like a Pro!

The secret to a healthy and constructive conflict lies behind four easy steps: listen, affirm, respond, and add. Couples shouldn’t be reactive during an argument, which only intensifies emotions, leading to inappropriate behaviors.

Listen

Listening to what the other is saying can go a long way. But one has to make sure they’re listening with an intent to understand. Constructive conflict in relationships depends on couples’ openness to understanding each other. It’s based on the recognition that they’re distinct individuals with different perspectives. Hence, when they listen, they must try to understand where the other is coming from.

Affirm

Often, listening isn’t enough without affirmations. It’s one thing to understand the other’s sentiment internally, but another to verbally express and validate their feelings. This makes the conversation a healthy and safe space for both sides to be vulnerable. Affirming means one has acknowledged and recognized the other, understanding where mistakes had been made and what should be done.

Respond

The difference between reaction and response is that a reaction is immediate, often happening without much thought. On the other hand, responses are well thought out. Hence, one should respond to every issue raised after intently listening and affirming the sentiments. This is done by recognizing the underlying needs that triggered the conflict.

Add

An essential aspect of a healthy constructive conflict is that the vulnerability should come from both sides. This means once one is done speaking, the other should add to the conversation. After understanding what the other has felt, seek to be understood. This way, both sides are satisfied after the discussion, and their needs are equally met and addressed.

Remember, vulnerability and an openness to understand the other are vital in maintaining a healthy line of communication. If you’re having difficulty opening up, learn from Angelo and TJ Haygood. Grab a copy of their book How to Build a Successful Marriage.